“Ram, can I ask a stupid question?” said I.
“Yes, definitely you can.”
“Am I alone?”
All that he had said, all that he had ever said inspired and thrilled me but I had always had this nagging sense of not wanting to be alone; it frightened me and I avoided it but now it was out. Ram didn’t so much look at me in that moment, he seemed to encircle me, almost absorb me; I loved him more than life. The seconds ticked by in the noisy bustle around us.
“An individual mind may feel loneliness but that’s only an experience. It’s impossible to actually be lonely because there is no single, separate person to be alone in the way that has been imagined,” said Ram.
“But the Upanishads speak of the aloneness of being,” said I, “and I think I am afraid of letting go into that, is that aloneness real?”
“It isn’t real in the way you conceive of it. Perhaps we can just spell it differently.”
“What difference does that make”, said I.
A huge difference, stick an ‘L’ in it,” said Ram.
“Where?” said I.
“Oh come on, come on!” Ram took his pencil and wrote in huge capital letters on the napkin: Aloneness = Alloneness.
“It is all oneness,” said Ram, “Self-realisation is the expanded state of all oneness; a profound shift in perspective. It’s simple and ordinary but majestic and full at the same time. It is freedom. Loneliness is impossible in that and if it appeared, it would only be a thought. But your question and your hesitancy behind it points to something, courage. You do need courage because in surrender and sacrifice there is the fear of loss and the fear of death to overcome. It’s a kind of grief you see.”
“What is?” said I.
“The realisation that you are not what you thought you were, a kind of grief like a divorce. You see, you don’t want to let go of what it is you perceive of as your identity, in other words, this person. It’s not that a potential release from that is unwelcome but it is, nonetheless, a threat of loss, or we might say, death. It changes quickly into immense, sustaining relief and ease but there may be a phase of uncertainty, even fear. Hence, your fear of aloneness and that’s why the texts constantly talk of faith.
This identity that you are afraid of losing is entirely mental; it is a set of ideas, or rather a concept. The affection and security at the heart of your being is not in any way a product of that concept. Self-realisation is the loss of that concept, there is no loss of affection and security, only an enhancement of those things, not loneliness but fullness.”
The waitress came and cleared our plates. I felt embarrassed that mine was hardly touched; Ram’s was clean. I paid the bill and we left the cafe. Standing outside in the lorry park I felt like a giant outside of time and inside of something else, I was exhilarated, fizzing, unsure of where I really was but fully present and so capable.
“I need to do something,” said I, “but I don’t know what.”
“That’s great,” said Ram, “inspiration and motivation are the gifts, the what can come later. I will see you tonight on the hill; cook for 7pm will you?”